The M People – anyone remember them? The band in the 90s which, I didn’t realise at the time, actually wrote some pretty positive lyrics – the title to this post included. I can’t remember when I last felt this but today, I felt really proud of myself.

Yesterday, I went for my usual Saturday walk. As I walked down the road, a couple of minutes into my audiobook, I felt clarity in my mind that I hadn’t felt in a long time. There was no internal conflict just stillness, a lightness…peace. My mind was so quiet that even with someone talking into my ears, I heard a voice say ‘pick up the pace and start running.’ I didn’t. I kept walking and told myself to save it for the following day.

That following day soon became today. Three years ago, I completed the Cancer Research UK 10K Winter Run which took place in London. Since then, I have always wanted to try and complete another 10K but over the last couple of years I have half heartedly signed up but failed to finish…well, failed to even start if I’m being completely honest. 

If you’ve read some of my previous posts then this is the point at which I mention the B12 deficiency (yes, again!) that I was diagnosed with last year, but had been clearly suffering with for a while leading up to June 2020. I reiterate it because, although it makes sense, it is hard to believe that being so deficient in one vitamin or nutrient can lead to so many symptoms – a severe lack of energy, pins and needles, memory loss, lack of concentration, heavy heartbeats, low mood, being unable to control your emotions and depression, to name a few. It has therefore been quite some time since I have even considered running, for fear that I would be depleting my energy stores or that I either would not be able to keep going, or even finish. However, having entered the Cancer Research 10K Winter Run for 2021, which later became a virtual run to do in your own neighbourhood, I decided to give it a go.

After a bit of a restless night and an early wake-up call, I left the house at around 7.30 am this morning to begin my route. It wasn’t as cold as I was expecting it to be but I was wrapped up warm; I had my audiobook set up and was ready to press record on my Strava app. I walked to the end of the street, crossed the road and the same voice I heard the day before was back so I picked up the pace and started running.

At this point, I would have previously berated myself for going too slow, or for ‘plodding’ but I told myself two things: firstly, just start running and see how far I get because on no real training, any distance I run within this 10K route is a bonus; and secondly, I wasn’t going to be negative about pace or completing the run within a time limit. My pace was my pace. The only person I needed to be in competition with, if I even wanted to regard it as that, was myself. So I carried on along the vague idea of the route I had in mind, down the empty streets and passing all the houses with their blinds and curtains closed – there is something quite satisfying about being up early and getting exercise done before everyone else’s weekend alarms go off. 

After 2.75 km I checked my phone and decided to switch off my audiobook. It was so quiet outside that I wanted to see what is was like running more mindfully. Previously I would have had music bouncing off my eardrums because I would regard that as the thing that kept me going before. But not being plugged in meant that I could hear my own breath; the birds singing and chatting to each other, and I could hear if a seasoned cyclist was about to overtake me. I could hear the cars in the distance, saw squirrels jumping from one branch to the next in the trees and spotted the single Magpie which I saluted as I kept putting one foot in front of the other. (You all salute a single Magpie to negate the bad luck that seeing one is supposed to carry, right?!)

I kept running and running, feeling the increase in the gusts of wind which through me off my straight line, and when running into them, had to wipe my glassy eyes. I enjoyed being outside in the quiet and spotting the Sunday morning dog walkers whom started to appear from 8 am, and wondering if I took the next bridal pathway, whether that would take me into my next kilometre. 

When I checked my phone for the last time I had 1 km left to run. 1 km and I had hit 10K, at which point I was trying to make sense of how I had been able to keep going for the full distance and on no training. It then struck me that the stillness and lightness I had felt the day before was still with me…nothing was dragging me down, and I was talking positively to myself…was this what is was like to have peace of mind? Maybe. 

I mentioned in my last post that I had made positive progress with my mindset through facing some demons very early this year, and I’m now realising that the positive impact of facing up to those anxieties is creating a ripple effect in other areas of my personality and life.

So yes, I am proud of myself today. I am proud I completed a 10K run. I am proud I completed a 10K run without stopping. I am proud that I kept my mind in a positive space for the duration of the run, and I’m proud that I’ve come a long way since lying on a sofa with (non-alcohol related!) recurring headaches pretty much every Sunday when I think back to this time last year. I am also simply proud that I am now able to be proud of myself.

If you’ve done something you’re proud of today then acknowledge it, say it out loud and celebrate it. After all, who are you not to embrace your achievements or be proud of yourself?